My hands are literally shaking as I write this… this means it is out there… for all I am open about my various mental health struggles, I’ve never put them into such a public domain before and that is petrifying. Add in what my diagnosis entails and the fear of rejection is getting more overwhelming with each word written…

I guess I first started struggling to noticeably struggle with my mental health at the end of Secondary School and going into college, around 16 years old, but in hindsight the attitudes and coping mechanisms developed long before this. At college it became crippling, my anxiety levels peaked and with it came emetophobia – the fear of vomiting. Many parts of my life completely stopped and I was sure I’d never get any semblance of a normal life again, but with a lot of hard work, hypnoanalysis and incredible family and friends I made it through and even made it to Uni… but we can talk more about that journey another day.

With University came a whole host of other issues, triggered by my desperation to live a ‘normal’ life and therefore not taking the time I needed to really recover from my anxiety disorder and decide what I wanted to do with my life, so I took the decision to leave and return home with the aim of going back when I knew what I really wanted to do.

Fast forward six years and my mental health issues never went away, they just got different. On a bad day my anxiety disorder and emetophobia can be utterly debilitating. But we’ll get to that. I ended up in an extremely unhealthy relationship and on antidepressants which I decided weren’t working and took myself off and this, in turn, led to me having seizures… I lost my licence, the job I loved and my independence, and after years of doctors and tests it turns out that they, too, are just another manifestation of my mental health and a diagnosis of Non-Epileptic Attack Disorder (NEAD) on 21st March 2018.

And after having been put back on anti-depressants which triggered a hypomanic phase (actually, that’s a funny story… I’ll tell you sometime), I was diagnosed on 16th April 2018 with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It’s been a whirlwind, it explains so much but creates so many more challenges, and there will only be more going forward with a caseworker and treatment still to come.

So that’s where we are, and why we’re here – I have been writing since before this started and I thought, why keep this to myself? BPD is such a stigmatised disorder, and so much more prevalent than people realise, but how will we change that stigma if no-one is willing to come forward and talk about it. So here I am – we can talk about how I got to where I am, and join me on my journey going forward as I start treatment and face whatever else life has to throw at me… Hopefully we can have some fun too!

Bee x